As soon as I leave her I'm scared. It comes just like that, when I shut the door. I'm scared that I won't come back. That I've done something. Made a mistake. That's the worst thing. That maybe I could fix this but I don't know how, and maybe this is the wrong thing. My face is wet and cold. I hold the handle of the door. I let go. I want to be sick myself. Sick myself up out of my own body.

It's Alice's father who opens the door. I have been hammering on it for two minutes with both hands and he opens it and he's in a dressing gown and Alice is behind him and she's saying, He's just some stupid kid. Tell him to go. Tell him. But Alice's father is looking at me. This look on his face. I can tell her just got out of bed.

I can't get the words out. They come out me crying. But eventually I can tell him. Eventually I manage to tell him that it's my Mum.